The Decepticons' Day Off
by MrJizg
Summary: Megatron decides to treat his men to a much deserved sightseeing holiday in London. Oh dear... [Contains so much OOCness your head'll explode]
1. Megatron's Polite Note

**The Decepticon's Day Off**

**Chapter One: Megatron's Polite Note**

"Megatron sir, requesting permission to order a frappucino," Soundwave said in his monotone voice.

"Request approved," the leader of the Decepticons grunted, turning the page of his newspaper. He looked around the coffee shop Soundwave had brought him to. "Starbucks" it was called, a most popular destination for humans it seemed. There were about twenty of the pathetic creatures gazing wide-eyed at him and Soundwave.

Twenty sets of ogling eyes followed the Communications Officer as he stomped to the counter.

"One tall caramel frappucino please," he said. The man behind the counter was too busy gawping at the robot to realise that it had just spoken.

Megatron couldn't see why the humans were staring. He thought his disguises had been quite good considering his lack of knowledge in this field. First of all, he had managed to shrink a group of roughly 40-foot robots to the average human height. Secondly, the moustaches, suits and hats had been a stroke of genius. And, to add even more effect, a pair of bright lime green sunglasses were perched on Megatron's "nose".

Putting aside the fact that the Decepticons looked like human-sized robots wearing stolen human clothing (which they were), Megatron's disguises were absolutely spectacular. He deserved a medal of some kind (For "failing more than anyone has ever failed before", as Starscream had put it).

"J-just take them all!" the man behind the counter wailed, pushing eleven chocolate muffins towards Soundwave before fleeing the building. The robot took them gingerly in his mighty robotic arms.

"Starscream is late sir," he said as he seated himself next to his leader, tipping muffins onto the circular wooden table. He removed his face plate to enable the consumption of his chocolatey treats.

"He shall be punished," Megatron stated, putting down his newspaper. A small human (Megatron had heard them being called "children") walked past their table, gawping as he went. He paused when Soundwave began to drink his frappucino and looked from the robot to the pile of muffins and back again.

"How do you eat?" he asked dumbly, gazing at the robot. Soundwave didn't reply, but merely handed the boy a muffin. "Thanks!" he chirped, skipping away.

"These humans are quite stupid aren't they?" said Megatron, watching a woman, probably the child's mother, pry the treat out of the boy's hands and throw it in a bin. She walked past the shop window and glared at Soundwave and Megatron as she past them.

Soundwave had finished his Frappucino and was in the process of eating his pile of muffins, with the paper holders, when Starscream entered the coffee shop. This seemed to be the final straw for the customers, who all ran away from the building as fast as their fleshy human legs would carry them.

"I apologise for my lateness sir," the newcomer said. He was wearing a pair of green and white Hawaiian shorts and a shirt of the same pattern, only orange and purple in colour. The Decepticons, while brilliantly evil, were not the most fashion-conscious of robots.

"No muffins for you Starscream, you have failed me for the last time!" Megatron said scornfully. Starscream gave the Decepticon Lord a sarcastic look. "…Again," Megatron concluded, stealing a muffin from Soundwave, who looked at the cake sadly as Megatron chomped on it.

Starscream looked at the glass container housing Starbucks' wide variety of food inside it.

"How can you two consume this filth?" the jet spat.

"I like it," Soundwave replied, finishing the last of his muffins.

"You can't even taste it! It'll probably just clog up your processor!" Starscream retorted. "And don't think I'm going to fix you when it does!"

The Decepticons were silenced when a woman screamed outside the shop. She pointed wildly to the trio of robots before being hurried away by a man. After that the street was empty.

Soundwave replaced his mask as Megatron gawped at the spot where the woman had been. Starscream shook his head in disbelief.

"So sir, is it just us visiting the zoo?" Starscream inquired.

"It seems so," Megatron replied, looking at his Air Commander. "Thundercracker and Skywarp are Pit-bent on going to the London Dungeons and Shockwave is scared of furry things. All the others have gone to Madam Tussauds.

"The Cassetticons are coming too," Soundwave pointed out.

"Yes but… no one cares," Starscream and Megatron snapped in perfect unison. That made one thing they agreed on so far that day. A new record.

"Anyway, try not to draw attention to yourselves today. The Autobots don't actually know we've left our base," Megatron said, rolling up his newspaper and making to leave.

If robots could raise an inquisitive eyebrow, it seemed that Soundwave was doing so.

"I left them a note," Megatron said hurriedly.

"Ah yes, I remember!" Starscream exclaimed. "_Dear Auto-bastards. We're on holiday. What the slag are you doing in our base anyway?_" Starscream quoted, exploding into fits of giggles.

"I was drunk at the time," Megatron attempted to defend himself.

"Megatron, the great Decepticon Lord, cannot handle his high-grade Energon!" Starscream cackled, resting on the small circular Starbucks table for support as he tried to calm his laughter.

"Shut up Starscream," was the only reply the embarrassed Megatron could think of. At least the others hadn't been here for that. Thundercracker and Skywarp would never of let him live it down.

While the two had been bickering (as per usual), Soundwave had slipped over to the glass food container and tipped its contents into his large picnic basket. It was, after all, going to be a very long day off.


	2. Starscream's Big Mistake

**The Decepticons' Day Off**

**Chapter Two: Starscream's Big Mistake**

"Megatron sir, I want to see the lions!" Starscream yelled over the sound of the workers and visitors of London Zoo screaming in fear as Megatron blasted them with his Fusion Cannon.

"All in good time, Starscream!" Megatron was enjoying this far too much. Though he didn't seem to understand the concept of "not drawing attention to himself".

"I wish to visit the petting zoo. As do Ravage and Laserbeak," Soundwave droned. His "pets" sat next to him, both with their optics fixed upon the silver tyrant, who was currently kicking through a ticket booth.

"Hahahahahaaaaaaa! That'll teach you, pathetic flesh-beings! Never again will you charge the Decepticons entry to the zoo! Mwahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"

"Megatron they're gone," Starscream said.

"Oh, right, of course." Megatron straightened up and brushed dust off his arms. "Lions you say, Starscream?"

"Yes sir."

"Very well. Off we go then."

"But sir, I wish to visit the petting-" Soundwave began in protest.

"Oh fine, you over-grown cassette player-"

"Who listens to CASSETTES anymore?" Starscream butted in, pulling an iPod out of his storage compartment. He only had it because it made Soundwave cry.

"Shut up Starscream. Soundwave, you may visit the petting zoo with Ravage and Laserbeak. We shall rendezvous at the monkey cage in precisely two Earth hours. Move out!" He pointed dramatically in the direction of the lions.

"I can't believe you're treating this like a fucking battle," Starscream mumbled.

"Shut UP Starscream!" Megatron yelled, hitting the seeker on the back of the head.

"Sorry sir."

Ravage cocked his head inquisitively then looked to Soundwave.

"Lovers' quarrel," the Communications Officer explained.

"SHUT UP SOUNDWAVE!" Megatron roared. Starscream was bent double with laughter.

Soon enough Megatron and Starscream seemed to have forgotten about their little tiff (as always), and were observing the proud lions from the safety of the other side of the cage. The lions were sleeping quite soundly, resting on boulders or clumps of grass. One particularly lazy lion had fallen asleep on his back, his head lulling from side to side and his tail imitating the motion. Megatron found himself transfixed.

"Tail goes left… tail goes right… tail goes left… tail goes…"

"Megatron sir!"

"…right… tail goes-"

"MEGATRON, YOU DOLT!"

"OH, WHAT IS IT YOU IMBECILE?!?"

"Sir, you've been doing that for an hour."

"What of it?" Megatron asked, managing to tear himself away from the fascinatingly lazy creatures in the cage before him.

"I'm bored," Starscream moaned.

"So?"

"Um… requesting permission to see the Reptile House sir," said Starscream, doing a rather good impression of Soundwave.

"Request approved," Megatron growled, turning back to the lions.

"Right. I'll see you later, sir."

"Tail goes left… tail goes right…"

Starscream sighed and marched over to the Reptile House. He should have never let Megatron watch The Simpsons on YouTube…

"_Maybe Prime was right… maybe his IS a TINY bit mad… just a little… maybe…"_ he thought as he entered the cool dark room filled with glass tanks housing snakes and lizards.

Starscream had been disappointed by how lethargic the lions were, as he had heard that they were mighty and vicious creatures. He had thought that the snakes would quench his thirst for violence. He thought wrong.

"Move, damn you!" he yelled, banging the glass tank holding a sleeping Boa Constrictor. The glass cracked, but the snake didn't move.

Then a thought pierced Starscream's logic circuits like a bullet. The animals were so lazy because they had been imprisoned by the humans. Surely, Starscream thought, if they were released, violence would ensue. Animal against animal… Lion against alligator… Yes… That would be most amusing indeed… It was perfectly logical.

---

Megatron heard the damage before he saw it. He had been watching the lion's tail when a loud _crash_ sounded throughout the zoo. The sound of shattering glass filled his audio receptors. Then, he heard an all too familiar high-pitched cackle, followed by a dry of:

"NO, YOU FOOLS! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO FIGHT EACHOTHER! GO! KILL! COME ONNNN!"

"STARSCREAM?" Megatron called. "WHAT DID YOU DO?!?"

"NOTHING, SIR!"

"IT DOESN'T SLAGGING SOUND LIKE SLAGGING NOTHING!"

Then he saw it. First one small yellow python slithered around the corner, followed by some more snakes, followed by a group of lizards. And then Megatron was thrown off his feet as an army of reptiles cascaded down the path towards him, hissing and growling and making a variety of other noises.

"STARSCREEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMM!!!"

"I'M NOT DOING IT!"

"YES YOU ARE, YOU SLAGGING FOOL! YOU HAVE FAILED ME FOR THE LAST TIME! _AGAAAAAAAIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNN!_"


	3. Soundwave's New Pets

**The Decepticons' Day Off**

**Chapter Three: Soundwave's New Pet****s**

"I hate you," Megatron stated when Starscream finally found him twenty minutes later. He was buried under a pile of picnic benches in the Elephants' feeding area.

"I hate you more," the seeker retorted. He stood with one foot on the bench strewn across his leader's chest, with no intent of helping the Decepticon Lord to his feet. A smirk was plastered across his face and his hands rested on his hips.

"Not possible. Because I hate you more than… more than… Optimus Prime!"

"Well, maybe you should just go and marry Prime then!"

"Maybe I will! It's certainly better than putting up with you!"

"Good!"

"Good!"

"And you'll have ugly, ugly Sparklings by the way."

Megatron was about to shout at his Air Commander when Soundwave magically appeared next to them. Wearing a hat. A hat with a happy monkey on it.

"What are you two fighting about now?" he asked.

"What is that?" Starscream and Megatron asked in unison, staring at the hat.

"What?"

"_That._" Starscream pointed to the hideous smiling monkey perched atop the Communications Officer's head.

"It's a hat."

"It's terrifying. I think it wants to eat me," Starscream said. "It's looking at me…" he added, moving around Soundwave. Sure enough, the odd hat's eyes followed him.

Megatron managed to struggle out from under the pile of wooden furniture and stumbled to his feet.

"For once, I have to agree with you Starscream. This… "hat" is certainly scary. And…" Megatron's gaze wandered down to Soundwave's hand. In it was nestled a creature he had seen twenty minutes ago. And he was not happy to see it again.

"Soundwave…" he sighed, rubbing his forehead.

"Yes sir?"

"What is that?" he pointed to the blue mech's hand and both Soundwave and Starscream looked at the creature in it.

"It's a yellow python. His name is Banana," Soundwave replied innocently.

"I - What?" Megatron spluttered. Starscream laughed but was quickly silenced by a slap to the back of his head. "Are you… intending to keep this…Banana?"

"Affirmative."

Megatron sighed. He hated this trip already.

"Very well. Just keep it the slag away from me."

"Put it in his bed," Starscream said immediately. Megatron slapped him again.

"I have more," Soundwave said.

"What do you mean… more?" Megatron asked. It was then that he noticed Ravage sitting under a tree to his left. Laserbeak was perched in one of the branches. Next to Ravage stood… "What the slag is that _thing_?"

"It's a giraffe. Her name is Alice."

"Alice?"

"Alice."

"Right."

"And this is Pippin," Soundwave said, reaching into his storage compartment and withdrawing a ferret.

Megatron stared at "Pippin" in utter disbelief.

"And where exactly are we going to keep these things?" he managed to ask quite calmly. Soundwave shrugged.

"We should get a giant tortoise too," Starscream said. Megatron slapped the seeker yet again.

"Would you STOP that?!?" Megatron replied with another slap. Starscream shuffled off to sit on a wall and sulk.

"I have also acquired a lamb. Her name is Lucy." He pointed to the young creature standing on shaky legs next to Ravage. It bleated feebly at Megatron.

"Soundwave… how many animals did you "acquire" while I was being chased by an army of reptiles?"

"Just these four."

"Oh, ONLY four," Megatron said sarcastically.

"I could get more if you'd like."

"No, no… I think we have enough…"

"Affirmative."

---

After returning to their hotel to dispose of the animals (Alice had posed the most difficulty), the three Decepticons strolled along the South Bank. They were going to meet Thundercracker, Skywarp and Shockwave and go for dinner. Soundwave had insisted in bringing Banana with him. Megatron hadn't been happy. Starscream had laughed. Megatron had slapped him.

The yellow python was currently curled around Starscream's right wing. The creature seemed to have taken a liking to the seeker, who seemed to have taken a mild interest in Banana as well. Megatron was NOT happy.

He stormed ahead of his Air Commander and Communications Officer, occasionally kicking a small child to make himself feel better. He grumbled when he saw the long road stretched out ahead of him. It was riddled with street performers and children. Two things he actually hated more than Starscream.

"What do you mean, dance?" he heard Soundwave say. He turned around to see the blue mech and Starscream surrounded by a group of eager-looking children. Megatron sighed.

"They think you're street performers," he said. Starscream grinned evilly.

"Hey kiddies, wanna see a thing called a "Null Ray"? It's really cool!" Megatron had to admit that not all of Starscream's ideas were entirely stupid.

Somehow, Soundwave managed to persuade Starscream NOT to shoot the foul little fleshlings, and the group continued in their long walk. Even the street performers were looking at them strangely. Megatron shot one of them, a clown, with his Fusion Cannon, just to get the message across that they weren't here to mess around.

In short, someone called the police, Megatron and Starscream drew their weapons, and the policemen ran away. Along with every other human in the area. Humans sure were cowardly, Megatron thought.


	4. Thundercracker's Really Bad Joke

**The Decepticons' Day Off**

**Chapter Four: Thundercracker's Really Bad Joke**

"Hey Starscream… there's a snake on your plane…" Thundercracker snickered when he saw the grumpy seeker. The Air Commander shot his wingmate a death glare.

"That's a REALLY bad joke," he spat. He put his hand up to his wing to allow Banana to curl himself around it. He quite liked the snake. Only because it scared the shit out of Megatron though. Starscream had already decided that if Megatron grew too attached to any of the animals Soundwave had "acquired", he would kill them in front of his leader. Oh, that would be so much _fun_.

Right now, Starscream was particularly pissed off with his leader. For the Decepticon Lord had just called him a "whiny little glitch" when he "threw a hissy fit" because he didn't like Chinese food. It was greasy. He didn't slagging like it.

"Hello Starscream," Skywarp said.

"Hello Skywarp." Well, that had gone relatively well, Starscream thought. Next was Shockwave. The seeker turned to look at the purple mech. "Hello Shock-"

"SHUT UP! GET IT AWAY FROM ME!" Shockwave screeched. He pointed to Banana, who was looking at the Decepticon with great interest.

"Oh, I forgot. You don't like animals, do you?" Starscream sneered. Well, he might as well make himself feel better by picking on someone else. He lifted the yellow python up to Shockwave's face and laughed manically as the purple mech's single yellow optic began to flash over and over as he shrieked in panic.

"Wow, that's like… the only cool thing you're ever done," Skywarp gasped when Shockwave ran away screaming like a Sparkling. Starscream smiled. He'd actually just earned a bit of respect from his wingmate.

"Oi, Starscream. Go and buy me some vodka, for some reason that fragger won't serve me. He thinks I'm a fleshling child in a costume," Megatron spat. "Oh, hello you two," he said to Thundercracker and Skywarp. For some reason the fact that the pair of seekers were both wearing "I heart London" T-shirts didn't seem to bother him.

"Why should _I_ have to do it? Can't Shockwave do it?" Starscream whined. Megaton slapped him.

"Stop whining and do it," he snapped, handing Starscream a bundle of notes.

"How much booze do you want exactly, oh great and powerful alcoholic Lord of the Decepticons?"

"As much as you can get with that, now just go before I melt you down for scrap!"

Starscream rolled his optics and walked into the shop. So much for respect.

---

"This is boring," Starscream said half an hour later.

"Silence, Starscream. PUSH ME HIGHER!" Megatron commanded loudly.

"Megatron, these swings were made for fleshing children. I think they're going to break soon."

"ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?!?"

"YES!"

"YOU FRAGGER! I'LL HAVE YOU MELTED DOWN FOR SCRAP!"

"Well, I see nothing's changed in the last day," Skywarp stated flatly as he, Thundercracker and Soundwave watched their superiors have a cat fight.

"Ah, they'll sort it out. They always do," Thundercracker said. He downed a bottle of Smirnoff and threw the empty bottle at a small child. "That's a five pointer, I got him in the head."

"Affirmative," said Soundwave.

"I can't believe we're in a PLAYGROUND…" Skywarp moaned.

"I can't believe Shockwave hasn't called Megatron yet. He's been missing for like half an hour. Do you think he's finally dead?" Thundercracker said.

"He might have walked into the Thames or something. He's pretty fucking retarded," Skywarp suggested as he withdrew some more bottles of human alcohol from his storage compartment.

Starscream had begun to push Megatron again. His exacerbated expression was priceless.

"If Megatron says "Wee" I'm leaving," Soundwave stated.

"Fair enough," Thundercracker replied. Skywarp grunted and tossed another bottle. This time it hit a puppy.

"Three points," Soundwave said. "Torso."

"Awesome."

"Can we GO NOW?" Starscream moaned from across the playground.

"Oh fine," Megatron snapped. He got off the swing, slapped his Air Commander, and strolled over to the other Decepticons. "We're going," he said.

"FINALLY," Thundercracker groaned.

"Who said that?" Megatron asked, his red optics flaring dangerously.

"Starscream," the three Decepticons said hurriedly.

"But I'm over here!" the seeker called from the swing set.

"Yes but I don't like you," Megatron said. Starscream looked like a hurt puppy, much to the amusement of Thundercracker and Skywarp.

Suddenly Shockwave appeared. He ran into the playground, his optic still flashing and with his arms flailing wildly in the air.

"Megatron! Megatron sir!" he cried. The Decepticon leader rolled his optics and sighed.

"Why are you still alive?" he asked.

"I tried to call you a million times but your commlink's turned off!" Shockwave cried as he caught up to the Decepticons.

"Yes it is, because I didn't want you to call me."

Starscream appeared at Megatron's side, laughing. Megatron slapped him simply because he couldn't be bothered to step forward to slap Shockwave.

"What did I do?" the Air Commander cried.

"You existed," Megatron said bluntly. "Let's go," he said. "I want to get some slagging sleep."

The Decepticons returned to their hotel. As soon as they entered the huge room they were sharing, Shockwave shrieked and ran away.

"Oh, I almost forgot these things were in here," Starscream giggled when he saw Alice, Lucy and Pippin.

"THEY HAVE FOUR LEEEEEGGGGGGSSSSSSS!" they heard Shockwave scream as he ran down the corridor. Skywarp shrugged and shut the door.

"He'll find his way home," the seeker said.

"I bloody well hope not," Megatron grumbled. "There is a reason I left him on Cybertron."

"THEY HAVE FUUUUUUURRRRRR!" Shockwave cried.

"Primus, he's loud," Starscream moaned. He placed Banana on top of the TV before lying on his bed.

"Ravage, Laserbeak, Rumble, Frenzy eject. Operation: Feed pets," Soundwave said.

"Must you do that NOW?" Megatron grumbled.

"Affirmative."

"ARGH!" Megatron growled, slapping Starscream.

"Oi!"

"Shut up."

"Hmph."

Starscream got up and went onto the balcony, grumbling about how _he_ should be leader of the Decepticons.


	5. Skywarp's Really Stupid Idea

**The Decepticons' Day Off**

_AN: I'm going away for New Year's as of tomorrow until the 4__th__ of January. So that means no updates for this or my other fics for a while._

**Chapter Five: Skywarp's Really Stupid Idea**

"It's a stupid idea," Starscream said bluntly. The Air Commander folded his arms across his chest and turned his head away indignantly.

"Fine, be like that! Just because you know you get horny when you're pissed…" Skywarp retorted, resulting in a low "Ooooohhhhh…" from Thundercracker and Shockwave, who were watching the two seekers squabble while eating popcorn.

"Shut up!" Starscream hissed. "I do not!"

"Yeah actually you do," Thundercracker said.

"Shut up! Shut up! Shut _up_! We are _not_ going to a fleshling house party! I don't care if a girl you like is going!"

"WHAT IS THAT INFERNAL RACKET?" Megatron screamed from the bathroom. "I'M TRYING TO TAKE A BATH!"

"IT WAS STARSCREAM'S FAULT!" the three other Decepticons called.

"STARSCREEEAAAAAMMMM!"

Instantly Starscream's face fell down into the core of the Earth and his optics grew wide with terror.

"SORRY MEGATRON, SIR!" he screeched in his high-pitched voice.

"YOU'D BETTER BE!"

"Better run, Screamer," Skywarp said with a grin.

"Shut up. If I go down, I'm taking all of you with me," the Air Commander snapped.

"What could you possibly so to us, Starscream?" Shockwave drawled.

Starscream cocked an optic ridge. Calmly, he reached into his subspace and pulled out his new companion, Banana the yellow python, and held it out for Shockwave. Instantly, the purple mech's single yellow optic began to blink over and over and he flailed his arms wildly above his head.

"H-how does it move if it has NO LEGS?!?" he wailed, running out of their hotel room.

"Wow," Thundercracker stated as he looked at the open door which led to the corridor. "We should really get him to talk to someone about that."

"Nah, it's funny," Skywarp said.

"I'm just glad Soundwave took his new pets out to the park," Thundercracker said as Starscream placed Banana on his wing, her favourite place to sleep.

All three seekers jumped as the door to the bathroom was flung open with such violence, that it really should have fallen off its hinges. Out stepped Megatron, a towel around his waist and another wrapped around his head.

"Um… sir?" Starscream said, looking to the towel on his leader's helm.

"What is it?" Megatron snapped.

"No offence, but… don't fleshling women do that? You know, to their _hair_?"

"Silence!" Megatron yelled, slapping Starscream hard in the face.

"Just because your helm's gone grey…" Starscream mumbled, receiving yet another slap.

"Anyway, what are we doing tonight?" Megatron asked as Starscream went to sulk in the corner.

"Me and TC wanna go to a party, but Screamer's being all boring and doesn't want to go!" Skywarp moaned.

"Hmm… a party… that Starscream doesn't want to go to?" Megatron asked. Starscream groaned mentally. He knew what was about to happen.

---

"I can't _believe_ I'm here," Starscream mumbled. "This was a really _stupid_ idea."

"Shut up, Starscream," Megatron grumbled.

"But this place is _dirty_, look at it! It's full of squishies!"

Skywarp gasped suddenly.

"Crystal Rainbow Sunshine!" he yelled, running away from the group of Decepticons and waving his arms like a maniac.

"_What_ did he just say?" Megatron asked.

"It's the name of the girl he likes. It's not her full name either. Her full name is Mary-Sue Crystal Rainbow Sunshine Utterly Fabulous and Brilliant."

"I think I need to find her and murder her," Starscream drawled, powering up a null ray. He could tell he was in for a long night. This human's house reeked of … human-type things. He didn't like it. There were squishies everywhere he looked, and they were _all_ completely intoxicated. That meant they were falling off and over each other as they attempted to "dance" and seduce members of the opposite sex, possibly the same sex in some cases.

"I need a drink," Megatron growled.

"Hey, why do Shockwave and Soundwave get out of this?" Starscream asked as he followed his leader. He hated being around Megatron, but he hated being around filthy fleshlings more. At least Megatron was a mech, not some bag of bones and flesh.

"Because I found Shockwave curled up in the hotel lobby muttering about things without legs, and Soundwave is looking after his Cassettes and his pets," Megatron drawled, chugging down a bottle of some unnamed alcohol.

Starscream smirked. Everyone knew that Megatron couldn't handle his booze. Soon the Decepticon lord would be a slobbering intoxicated mess, and then Starscream could kill him and take his rightful place as leader of the Decepticons. It would be easy to pin his death on one of these foul fleshlings.

"Drink," Megatron stated, shoving a strangely shaped blue bottle into Starscream's hands.

"No thanks," Starscream said, cringing at the sight of the human-made filth.

"I said DRINK!" Megatron screamed. The silver tyrant threw down an empty bottle, making it smash on the floor. Starscream jumped.

"Okay, okay!" the seeker said.

---Three Hours Later---

Thundercracker was, to put it lightly, quite bored.

Skywarp was off trying to eat that Mary-Sure girl's face, and he hadn't seen Megatron or Starscream in about an hour and a half. It was late, and the house was starting to smell like an odd combination of humans' vomit and congealed milk. So far, the humans had smashed a window by throwing a Television at it, overturned almost all the furniture, and written obscene messages on the walls in whipped cream. About a quarter of them were lying in recharge mode on the floor, mostly in a large pile at the bottom of the staircase, and some had ventured out onto the streets of London to wreak havoc elsewhere.

Sighing, the blue seeker worked his way through the pit of tangled humans and into another room. Perhaps Megatron would be in there and then he could beg to go back to the hotel.

He wished he hadn't.

It was truly a sight to behold. On a sofa in the corner of the room, Megatron sat with _Starscream_ on his lap. The red seeker was obviously smashed, as he was giggling and whispering to Megatron. The silver tyrant actually seemed to be enjoying it as a smirk spread across his face.

Thundercracker stood and gaped at the two Decepticons, his mouth wide open in shock.

Slowly, Starscream's fingers traced their way up to Megatron's helm, clutching it firmly. He straddled the Decepticon leader's hips and smirked seductively as he rubbed the silver mech's helm.

"You know, Megatron… there's something I've always wanted to tell you…" he said, bringing his face far too close to Megatron's for Thundercracker's liking.

"And what would that be?" Megatron asked. His voice had suddenly grown husky, and, Thundercracker hated to note, quite… sexy…

Starscream's hands wandered all over Megatron's body, making the Decepticon leader moan with pleasure. Finally, he settled his hands back up on Megatron's helm and brought their faces even closer together.

"…Your head looks like an upside down bucket! HAH!" Starscream screeched loudly before passing out on top of Megatron.


	6. Optimus Prime's Time to Shine

**The Decepticons' Day Off**

**Chapter Six: Optimus Prime's Time ****to Shine**

Daylight crept through the gaps in the blinds, shining upon the dozy seeker and forcing his optics open.

The flare of the light caused Starscream to moan as a searing pain shot through his head. He grumbled, closed his optics and rolled over as a few glimmers of the events of the previous night began to filter back into his memory banks from whatever deep dungeon they had been buried in.

Urgh.

Fleshlings. Fleshlings _everywhere_. And they were dancing and snogging and… Ew, Starscream had actually consumed that filthy human high-grade alcohol stuff! He felt so contaminated. Maybe he'd go and rip his tank open and flush the contents down the toilet later.

Some relaxing holiday this was turning out to be. Stupid Megatron. Stupid humans. Stupid London.

Something moved next to Starscream and, despite his extremely painful headache, the seeker opened his optics to see what it was.

"Oh… Oh frag… frag… fragging… _frag!_" he whispered.

Megatron.

He was sleeping in the same bed as _Megatron_! How the frag did that happen? He didn't remember-

Oh… Oh yes… He did remember that, actually…

Oh frag…

Oh _frag_…

Oh… FRAG!

He was going to die. He was actually going to die. This wouldn't be one of Megatron's ordinary death threats, oh no. The commander would actually kill him this time.

Starscream began to pray to Primus, but then remembered that that would probably only land him in more trouble when the time came. To put it lightly, Primus would not be particularly fond of Starscream's continuous murderous rampages.

As quickly as he dared, Starscream scrambled his way out of the tangled bed sheets, cursing humans for needing the infernal things, and made to roll off the bed and crawl back into his room.

His foot got caught in the sheets and the seeker found himself being unceremoniously dumped onto the ground, his cheek mashing into the disgusting beige carpet as he pulled the sheets down with him.

Along with the sheets came Megatron, howling with rage as he was disturbed from the beauty sleep that he so desperately needed.

The warlord plummeted from the bed, thumped down on top of Starscream and proceeded to glare at the seeker rather groggily.

Starscream smiled and laughed nervously.

"H-hi, sir. Good morning," he said, his voice even more high-pitched than usual.

"There'd better be a good explanation for this, Screamer," Megatron growled.

"Uh… Well… All I remember is that stupid party Skywarp made us go to. So technically, this is his fault! Right?" Starscream squeaked.

"Hngh," Megatron rumbled. His optics flickered, their violent red dimming slightly.

Starscream cleared his throat, shaking Megatron from his state of near-recharge.

"What is it?" Megatron snapped.

"Uh, can I get up sir?" Starscream asked. Normally he would have just shoved the silver mech off him, attempted to stab him in the back and then run, but he was utterly terrified of getting blasted to slag, so he thought it best to ask nicely, as much as it disgusted him.

"Hngh," Megatron replied. He rolled off the seeker, taking the mass of bed sheets with him.

Now free and extremely happy about it, Starscream, scrambled to his feet and darted from Megatron's room and back to his, Thundercracker's and Skywarp's before the warlord could remember the events of the previous night.

Thundercracker was smirking when Starscream walked into their room. He didn't like it.

"What?" he snapped, glaring.

"Did you have fun last night?" Thundercracker asked, his smirk broadening slightly.

"I don't know what you mean," Starscream said indignantly. But his cheeks suddenly burned.

"Oh, don't you? I'd have thought you'd remember. I'd have thought your throat would be pretty sore after all the _screaming_ and the _howling_."

"Uh…"

"So, I guess I was right. Megatron likes it rough, huh?" the blue seeker chuckled.

Starscream felt his cheeks flush red. To be honest, he didn't remember if he and Megatron had… but he had been very, very drunk, and what he could recollect certainly suggested that… And he had woken up in his bed…

"We did nothing of the sort!" Starscream screeched, determined to keep at list a sliver of what little pride he had left.

"Sure."

"We didn't!"

"Sure."

"Frag you."

"Cheating on Megatron already?"

"SHUT UP!"

"I was just kidding, Starscream. You didn't fuck Megatron last night. Or rather, Megatron didn't fuck you last night. Because you would so be on the bottom," said Thundercracker.

"I would _not_!" Starscream argued, completely forgetting about the first part of the sentence due to his injured ego.

Thundercracker burst into fits of laughter and Starscream decided to ignore him. Turning towards the television, he spotted Banana curled up on top of it and picked her up. She snaked her way up to his wing and wrapped around it, quite content to stay there.

When Thundercracker's laughter had stopped, the seeker turned around to face him again, still glaring.

"Where's 'Warp?" he asked.

"Oh, he stayed over at Mary-Shitface's last night. Primus knows what _they_ got up to," the blue seeker replied.

Starscream's features twisted into an extremely confused expression as his mind attempted to comprehend whether that vile flesh creature would ever be able to bond with Skywarp. In the end, he decided that it would be a rather painful experience for both of them, and also decided that, this being the case, it might actually be a good idea. It would be amusing to watch, at any rate. And perhaps he could make himself a small fortune by selling data disks of it on the black market.

The red seeker felt a shudder rip through his circuits at the thought of that disgusting flesh creature without her outer layers of cloth covering her filthy body. Urgh. He couldn't possibly imagine how horrific it would be to see something like that. Personally, he'd rather allow Megatron to tear his optics out.

A soft nuzzling from Banana wrenched Starscream from his terror-filled daydream.

He decided to go for a walk to clear his mind. And perhaps he could massacre some children along the way. Maybe Banana would like to see that. The yellow python was certainly a better companion than any of the other Decepticons, that was for sure.

Soon, Starscream found himself strolling through a park, the sun shining down upon the green grass and the sound of humans' screams of terror as he walked past singing a sweet melody to his audio sensors.

It was good to be a Decepticon on a day like today.

The seeker let out a satisfied sigh and allowed Banana to bite into the neck of a squirrel as he sat underneath a tree. A little of the furry earth creature's blood splattered across his wings, and the seeker sighed. He wiped it off with a growl. The last thing he needed was a disgusting furry flesh creature's innards ruining his paintjob.

Several hours of sulking later, Starscream returned to the Decepticons' shared hotel room to find a giggling Skywarp, now returned from that vile Mary-Sue's place, and Thundercracker. He ignored the two idiot seekers, instead placing Banana back on her perch atop the TV and turning the human entertainment device on. He lay back on his bed and sighed.

Shit.

Utter shit; that was all that was on. The humans sure had some weird shows. And they were all really _ugly_ to boot.

Soundwave and his ensemble of strangely formed creatures appeared to be out, and Shockwave wasn't there either. Not that he cared.

Suddenly, Starscream's keen audio sensors picked up on a voice just outside the door to the hotel room. He sat up and looked to the door, cocking an optic ridge in curiosity as he distinctly heard someone very familiar say;

"No, Bumblebee, stop trying to do stuff."

"What was that?" he asked Skywarp and Thundercracker. The two seekers shrugged.

Just then, a loud, earth-splitting cry of;

"_MEGATROOOOOOON!"_ slammed into Starscream's audio sensors. At exactly the same moment, something smacked into the door to the hotel room with such great force that it flew from its hinges, splintering into several pieces which scattered across the room. Starscream ducked, narrowly avoiding being hit on the head by a flying door handle, though 'Warp and TC weren't so lucky. The two seekers found themselves pinned down to the bed they'd been sitting on by a large chunk of door.

Starscream grumbled and peeked up, already knowing who he was going to see standing in the doorway.

Human-sized, somehow, just like the Decepticons, his colour scheme still the same bright blue and red except he had attempted to disguise himself as a human by pulling on what looked like it was probably a pink woman's tank top, was-

"_PRIIIIIIIIME!"_ Megatron's voice howled from the next room. The Decepticon leader threw the interconnecting door open, his face contorted in what the humans would probably describe as "manly rage" as his optics locked with the Autobot leader's.

"YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE US, MEGATRON?" Prime yelled unnecessarily loudly and heroically considering that no one really cared.

"Um, Optimus, there are some humans screaming and running away in terror down the hall," a quiet voiced piped up.

"SILENCE, BUMBLEBEE!" Prime called to the little yellow nuisance behind him. "THIS IS THE END FOR YOU, MEGATRON!"

"NO, IT IS THE END FOR _YOU_, PRIME!"

Starscream slowly felt his hand edge towards his face, evolving into what the basement-dweller humans called a "facepalm". This holiday had just gotten a million times worse. But at least this _might_ make Megatron forget about last night and this morning.


End file.
